Of Strikes and Strike Downs

My current employer has given me a lot of time to express my creativity by ensuring that I am completely demotivated and have absolutely no inclination to do the work assigned to me. This time has not gone wasted my dear followers, of whom I realize there are only 5?! No matter, its only a matter of time before my wisdom reaches out to the world.

My boredom coupled with my sharp wit has come up with a mind boggling formula, a benchmark of sorts, that would serve to define the 'sexyness' of any human being. Without further ado, I am unleashing this formula upon the world.

SSR = NSA/ NTA

where
SSR= Sexyness Strike Rate
NSA= Number of successful attempts
NTA= Number of total attempts

Let me explain this in further detail. The NSA is the number of times a male has asked out a female and the female has responded in the affirmative, thereby leading to

• a)a relationship,
• b)making out,
  
• c)full fledged mad loving (aka sex).

The NTA on the other hand is the total number of times a male has asked out a female.The NTA-NSA is the number of times the female has responded in the negative, thereby leading to the following outcomes

• a)a slap,
  
• b) a non satisfactory response (See Appendix A)
  
• c) complete denial of the male's existence

The SSR can range from 0 to infinity. Infinity would need some further clarification and can be explained as the rare condition where the guy has not asked out a single girl but has managed to 'get some' because the girl has asked him out!!These guys are absolutely sexy and deservedly have an SSR of infinity. Some have even compared them to Gods among men.

The SSR would obviously vary with time as the number of attempts would increase with time. A graph could be plotted of the SSR vs Number of attempts for various male members. A few sample graphs are shown below




'Time to turn gay and/or give up hope' Category : This category is usually defined by a straight line graph with an SSR of 0. This category is destined for loneliness and the only solace is to either turn to the same sex for comfort or completely give up hope of coitus.

'One Shot' Category : Usually refers to people who have had only one relationship. Although they have tried their hands at several others, they were successful at their first attempt and my advice to them would be to be happy with what they have and to stop trying. Defined by a declining SSR.

'Playboy' Category : People who have had several successful attempts. Defined by an SSR of greater than 0.5, women find something about these guys irresistible. I have no idea what. That in itself would be the topic of another research paper titled 'What do women want? Do they really know?Or are they toying with us male folk?'

'Gods among Men' Category : People who have never asked out girls but have still, astonishingly, shockingly managed to pull it off simply because the girl asks the guy out. These are known to be anomalies and are extremely rare. They have an SSR of infinity and cannot even be plotted. Trust me on this. I tried.

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A corollary to the Sexiness Strike Rate is the Strike down rate (SDR). It can be defined as follows:

SDR= NR/ NTA

where NR= Number of rejects
NTA= Number of total attempts

The SDR serves as a benchmark to measure the sexiness of the female and has values ranging from 0 to infinity. Again the SDR vs NTA can be plotted and typical plots are shown below



'Slut': These women are easy and cannot say no. Usually because thats what they do for a living and rejecting people who are going to be paying them just does not make any economical sense.

'Average Woman': The average woman would go out with every other guy. Categorized by an SDR of 0.5

'Goddess': This woman is too good for mere mortals. She is going to reject everyone she sees because quite simply, she is too damn hot. I have been rejected by quite a few Goddesses, but that doesn't mean Im gonna stop praying now, does it?

'Time to turn gay and/or give up hope': Categorized by an SDR of infinity. Quite simply means that no guy has ever hit on this category of girl. Extremely rare to find this category on earth and my heart goes out to you all. Give me a call sometime.

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Appendix A - List of possible responses in the negative

1)'Awwww..that's so cute'
2)'uhhm...thanks!?'
3)'I don't see you that way'
4)'HAHAHAHAHA.....oh!you were serious'
5)'Its not you,its me'
6)'You're my good friend and our friendship would be ruined'
7)'I don't want a relationship out of this'
8)'I love you, just not in that way'
9)'I like you as friend'
10)'uhhm...I dunno what to say...That was the best way someone has ever asked me out... but...don't you think it would be better if we stayed friends'

Airplanes

What is it with airplanes and airports and flying in general?
I never understand why people are in such a stupid rush at the boarding gate. As soon as the boarding gate opens,people scurry to be the first ones to get on to the plane. So soon enough you find this long line of people standing with luggage,waiting to get onto the aircraft 'asap'.Why asap? Why can't you just sit down till the line is shorter and then join the line.What is with this rush?
And the whole experience of flying I believe is peppered with sleaze so that it takes your mind off the harrowing experience of being in a machine at 35000+ ft in the sky. You are welcomed into the aircraft with a sleazy 'Hii/Welcome Sir' from a very attractive air hostess. Have you ever wondered why air hostesses are never ugly. Because they are meant to alleviate your fear of flying by using the miraculous power of distraction. You look at these pretty women go through the safety demo without absorbing a single word that has been said, cause your are looking and not listening. Some flights have prerecorded videos of actresses performing the routine which makes it even harder to concentrate.
I don't quite understand the small talk that the captain of the flight wants to make with the 200+ passengers at 35000 feet in the sky. You want to take a peaceful nap when the bell goes off and this person says in a tone that suggests that he/she has just woken up , 'Good morning ladies and gentlemen,this is your captain XYZ speaking. We are bound for Delhi ...(Oh! Really, I had nooo idea where the flight was headed). We would be taking a straightforward route over Hyderabad, Bhopal, blah blah...(How on earth does it matter which route we are taking,and why the hell can't they ever fly in a straight line?Isn't that the shortest path? And at 35000ft even with a window seat there isn't a chance in hell that I can distinguish one city from the next).... We are sorry for the delay in takeoff and we will ensure that we do everything to make it in time....(Like what?! Take shortcuts? You're already flying at top speed, so what are you proposing Captain XYZ? Do you intend offloading our luggage mid air to lighten the aircraft so that you can fly faster? ).... We are flying at 800Kmph ground speed....(So what?Is that a good speed?Is 800Kmph fast enough for this flight? How the hell do I know? And I don't care what speed the freaking aircraft is flying at,as long as I reach my destination).The weather is quite good except for slight turbulence,which is why I advise you to keep your seatbelts fastened....(The weather is never bad. I have never heard a captain shriek 'Aaaargh! There's thunder and lightning everywhere. I don't know if this flight can take this. HAANG ON TO YOUR PANTS cause this is gonna be a rough one.').
So finally you land with a thud at your destination, and with these fancy new airports,you taxi on for miles and miles.When the flight finally comes to a halt, all these passengers, stand up like programmed robots, and start removing their luggages from the overhead lockers. Now,what is extremely stupid about this, is the fact that the flight doors aren't open yet.So I find atleast 150 passengers standing with luggage, waiting for a good 10 minutes before they can exit the aircraft. What is with the hurry people?Its not like you wouldn't be allowed to get off the aircraft.
All in all, I hate airports, they are expensive, filled with people who are hell bent on running all their lives, sleazy and ultimately filled with this fake air of importance.

Seductionary

O! How I wish I was born a woman. Women are filled with grace and elegance. I don’t know of a single clumsy woman. Women don’t have to deal with body hair and baldness. Women look better than men, dress better than men, speak better than men.....heck they are pushing us guys to the brink of extinction.
The woman, is a different species completely, and one of the most powerful ones to have ever walked the earth. Especially fair women in India with straight hair. If you are born a fair, straight haired woman(being fair is actually enough, what with hair straightening costing you Rs.4000,a small price to pay for unfathomable power(read below),in my opinion), then you possess a huge arsenal of seduction weaponry or as I like to call it-Seductionary. Beware of its devastating moves. To give my brothers out there a helping hand I’ve managed to figure out their 4 most popular moves and I shall divulge all about them below.
1. The Tossle: The Tossle is the most commonly used move and is mostly used to hypnotize the poor male prey. The move consists of a delicate head toss where the woman starts by cocking her head at an angle and then rotating it at a speed fast enough to toss her hair from one side to the other. This when combined with the proper colour of clothing seems to hypnotize the poor prey into becoming The Woman’s slave for a few minutes.
Side Note: The tossle cannot be used over and over as many women have complained of chronic neck pains. We know this to be true.
2. Lip Lick: The lip lick is a self explanatory move which The Woman carries out by licking her upper lip slowly yet surely from corner to corner.(Studies have shown that the preferred direction of the lick is from right to left).The real purpose of this move is unknown to date but researchers believe that this has caused brain damage in many men.
3. Hand Dangler: The hand dangler is the easiest way for The Woman to get out of looking stupid after making a mistake. This move is usually accompanied with a shrill sounding ‘Oops!’ .The Woman after letting out this syllable then proceeds to let her hand dangle out of the corner of her mouth by her little finger. This move has been performed at such astonishing speeds by some women that the poor old males who began reprimanding The Woman about the mistake seem to change their tone and the context midway. An example being ‘How could you…(Hand Dangler)…be so beautiful?(Droool,drool)’
4. Finger Suck: Ah yes! The good old finger suck. The move has been tried by many a Woman but mastered by a few. Legend has it that the most powerful Finger Suckers can send men screaming and shouting over rooftops and buildings shouting in agony. Many men have known to have witnessed the finger suck and nonchalantly gone about their business during the course of the day only to be found dead the next day .This too, we know to be true.

Ambulances and Amusement parks

The only reason the two of them are being clubbed is the fact that they both start with 'Am'.Let me start off by telling you why I find ambulances weird.
The ambulance has the word 'AMBULANCE' written in mirror image on it.This is to help the driver in front of the ambulance recognise one by looking in the mirror.When an ambulance is hurtling down the road at mad speeds with sirens going off and lights flashing,do the drivers in front actually need this additional feature to help them recognise that the vehicle behind them is indeed an ambulance?I mean,I don't know of one person actually reading out the letters in his rear view mirror to make sure that it spells the word ambulance before giving way.Could you imagine the impending doom for all ambulances if the drivers in front actually ensured that the vehicle was in fact an ambulance by spelling out the letters in their rear view mirrors.The drivers in India can hardly drive,let alone read.

Amusement Parks are hardly amusing.Have you seen some of the rides that these parks have to offer?I don't see what is so amusing about being tossed around in a rickety wagon at crazy speeds and at dizzy heights.Its not like you can stop the damn ride midway too.So once you are in the damn wagon you know that you have to go through with the ride.And each ride is deceiving.Every ride in the park starts off slowly.Take for example,the rollercoaster.The rollercoaster always sets off on a climb at a slow speed.And you are strapped to the wagon and think to yourself 'this ain't so bad'.So by the time you reach the top you have settled in and believe that you can go through with this.You start acting cool and brave like you've ridden the rollercoaster hundreds of times.Then suddenly ,'Woooosh',and you've taken off.Your stomach begins to feel queasy and you are no longer cool.You begin screaming like a little girl.Sometimes nausea hits.You want to make it stop but you cannot.You must go through with this.You are STRAPPED IN.You are secretly praying that the ride stops,but you must not be perceived as uncool.Finally the wagon comes to a halt and you sense FREEDOM!
But you know that you must pretend that it was the best thing ever and that you weren't afraid,because the next batch of victims is watching you.So you walk nonchalantly away from the wagon,telling your friends how awesome it was but secretly praying that none of them asks you to go again.
The only part I find amusing about amusement parks is watching the reactions of helpless people strapped to their torture devices while feasting on cotton candy.Now that is fun!

Genesis

This being my first blog post,I thought it would be best to start off with the creation of the world.Quite ambitious,I know.The world,I believe is inherently chaotic and random.Destiny is an excuse to explain things when they do not go according to plan.A lot of things are not under our control.That being the case I am sure that the world itself was created without a plan.Ah!Yes,Genesis.The creation of the world.
The bible says that the world was created in 7 days.Quite a difficult task even for God if you ask me.There is no way that the Almighty could have thought every thing through.In fact, the following is an excerpt from the diary of the almighty one and highlights the happenings of the 7 days of creation.

Day 1:Spent the whole day in fear of underachieving
Day 2:Off to a bad start.Things exploding all over the place.Angels not too pleased
Day 3:Managed to create ice cream.Totally thrilled!!! Angels and I spent whole day eating and giggling like maniacs
Day 4:Created the Looney Tunes!Angels and I spent the whole day watching Sylvester trying to eat Tweety.Provided the voice for Sylvester.
Day 5:TWO DAYS LEFT!!Have only made ice cream and the looney tunes.Couldn't work in fear
Day 6:I think I have finally managed to create something significant.Have created a huge ball of heat and light and infinite energy.Going to call it the Sun.Its AWESOME
Day 7:The damn sun has exploded.The angels and I heard a BIG BANG and we knew what had happened.

And the rest as they say,is History.

So there you have it,the world was created in chaos and will forever be chaotic.Deal with it.