Tavve Tobacco Talks

Im sure there are a lot of women out there who would like to know what we men think and talk about. Well, ok maybe not a lot. Well, ok maybe they don't want to know what 'I' think about.But quite frankly, I've realised that we don't think about much and we can spend hours talking about absolutely nothing. Nothing that could change anyone's life. Zilch! Nil! Zero!But I think I know why we men talk a whole lot of rot. You see, it's because we hate thinking about serious stuff. So we talk trash most of the times to keep our mind away from the serious stuff. Take for example the conversation below between my two very good friends. Their names have not been revealed for obvious reasons.

MM: Duude! Smoke?

NP: Haan!Chal

MM: Let's go to that Tavve Tobacco. We can have tea also

NP: Chal

MM: Duuude! Add value to the conversation man! You're answering in monosyllables. You know how I hate silence.

NP: @#%$$! There! That was more than one syllable for sure.

MM: Sigh!Ok Ok Ok! Mangoes or grapes?

NP: WTF?? Mangoes obviously

MM: Hmmm! Yes! But now let me put you in a hypothetical situation. Lets say you are lying on your bed and watching TV and your favourite show is on. On a plate next to you there's an uncut mango and a bunch of grapes. The knife is in the kitchen. Now which would you choose?

NP: Grapes, I wouldn't get up to go and bring the knife

MM: Exactly! Life is just like that! It's like a choice between mangoes and grapes, the mangoes taste better, but sometimes you choose convenience!

NP: $%^@&&@*** I want my 2 minutes back

@Tavve Tobacco with cigarettes and tea

MM: Duude! Have you wondered why we are single?

NP: Yes! I've also wondered why you can't keep your mouth shut for more than 2 minutes at a stretch!

MM: You know what I've realised....I need to change my strategy. I've devised a new one.It's caled the 'stare philosophy'.

NP: I don't want to kn...

MM: So here is how it works. Have you ever had that awkward moment where you look at this nice looking girl, and she catches you looking so you have to look away? Well, of course you have! All men have. So here is where the stare philosophy comes into play. When the girl catches you staring, you don't look away! YOU CONTINUE STARING!

NP: That's the worst %&@*@#)# strategy I've heard.You WILL die alone!

MM: Duuude! Listen to me! So just picture this scene at a pub....There's this extremely pretty girl sitting across the bar. Now you can't help staring at her. She catches you looking at her.Now you must not look away. Keep staring at her.

NP: That's suicide man.

MM: Think about it man. Now she has noticed you staring.So after some time she will keep checking to see whether you're still staring. After a while you make your move. You go to her and say 'I couldn't help but notice that YOU were staring at ME!Can I get you a drink?'
It's simply awesome isn't it. And even if the lady gets angry and comes over to confront you, you pull off 'You are the prettiest thing in the room. I'd rather not look at anything else'. You see! It's fool proof.

NP: Well, if it works for you then it's definitely fool proof.

MM: What?You think its stupid?

NP: You'll get murdered in cold blood

MM: Nah! Being hit by an ice cream truck! That's being murdered in cold blood!

NP: *&@^&#*@&^*&@#

MM: Haha! We'll give it a try the next time we hit a pub for sure!So.....Crows or eagles?

NP: AAAAAAAARGGGGHHHHH!


So there you have it my dear readers, the human brain is capable of doing wonderous things. But we guys choose not to use its amazing power. So its upto you women to take the world forward. Remember! With great power comes great responsibility!

PS: I had also written this knock knock joke in my spare time. Im posting it here. Why? Well,because it's my blog!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Love
Love?
Ya Lov..... Wait a minute! Aren't you supposed to say 'Love who?'
Well,its my house.I'll say whateva the hell I want
Well,excuuuuse me for being a bother! I'll just head over to your neighbours' then
HA! Go ahead! They don't need you there! I hear love there every night! Sometimes TWICE!
Sniff! That makes me feel so alone
Oh,come now,don't cry....Well, Ok, come in...I'll make you some hot chocolate.Maybe then you can tell me what makes you so special

Stereotypical South Indians

The men from Dosa Land!
Illads!
Mallus!
Madrasis!
They are tall,dark and handsome. Well, maybe not handsome. Well, if not tall, they are dark.Dark, for sure!
Everyone in south India knows how to make dosas and grinds dosa batter as an alternate means of living.
People worship Rajnikanth and nobody else in South India.
They can never speak good Hindi no matter how hard they try.
They sound and/or smell funny.
They pronounce the letter 'H' as 'Hechhhhh' and not 'Etch'.
In their attempt to speak Hindi they fail miserably simply because they do not wish to enunciate the aforementioned 'Hechhhhh' which results in stares from livid North Indians. Examples of such mispronunciations are rampant in the conversation below. Readers sensitive to Hindi mispronunciations must look away.


South Indian(SI): 'Chal ta hai kya, Gaatkopar'

Livid North Indian(NI): 'Gaatkopar!? Its Ghaatkopar'

Bewildered SI:'Yeah! That's what I said, Gaatkopar'

Tired NI: 'Ghhhaaatkopar,haa, enunciate the 'haa''

Confused SI : 'Gaaaaaaatkopar?!'

Aggrieved NI: 'Sigh! The air is not hitting my face from the 'haa', you've got to try harder.You must generate a greater wind speed but at the same time you must be in control of your saliva'

Enthusiastic SI: 'Let me practice this a few times. 'Haa', 'haaaaa'. OK! Here goes!
Gh..Ghaa....Gaaatkopar?!'

Frustrated NI: 'Oh! What's the use!'

Motivated SI : 'Arre! But mera Hindi improve ho raha hai'

Enraged NI: ' 'MERA???' It's Meri. Hindi is a stri ling'

Pensive SI: 'I dunno what's soo sterling about Hindi. I mean I can't even pronounce most of the words without breaking into a sweat'

Exhausted NI: 'He Bhagwan! Utha lo mujhe! Not sterling. Stree ling , feminine. Hindi is feminine and so you must say 'meri Hindi' and not mera Hindi'

Perplexed SI: 'Haiyyo! Who decides what is feminine and what is masculine? There must have been a committee involved!This Hindi is not at all for me, I say. You must learn the south Indian languages! There are hardly any grammatical complications. All it takes is some dexterity of the tongue and you are set. And they all sound so musical. Why, just the other day, I heard some one say some nasty things about my family in Tamil. But in retrospect it sounds so nice,almost melodious as compared to your 'Banjo' and 'Macho' abuses in Hindi.'

Also perplexed NI: 'Banjo??Macho?? Oh! You mean Bhen... Ok...Never mind!Lets go to freaking Gaatkopar.While we're at it we can also eat some 'bail' puri '

Now my friends, I am a self respecting south Indian and these stereotypes have hurt my elephantine ego several times. But I got to wondering why there isn't a stereotypical North Indian male? I have been giving it quite a lot of thought and below is the world premiere of the typical 'Northie' guy

The typical North Indian guy(TyNI guy) will praise his city more than any other city in the world.
TyNI cannot live in Chennai.
TyNI will try and weave his way out of tricky linguistic situations in South India or anywhere in the world by saying the following '{insert language here} illa'. This is well explained in the conversation below

'Wanakam to Tamil Nadu'
'Tamil illa'
Welcome to Tamil Nadu?'
'Tamil illa'
'I said that in English!'
'Tamil illa'
'Why do I get the feeling you don't want to talk to me?'

TyNI refers to every cool thing as 'maal'.Again I have sought to explain this by using extremely colourful and descriptive examples

In reference to a hot girl
'Kya maal hai!'
In reference to adult dvds
'Kya maal hai!'
In reference to things that can be smoked
'Kya maal hai!'

TyNI will use the word 'Abe'(pronounced a-bey as in obey with an 'a' instead of an 'o') in every sentence and will abuse someone/something invariably in every conversation by using the aforementioned 'Banjos' and 'Machos'
TyNI cannot survive without paraanthas and dal for a week.
TyNI always considers himself to be superior to the Madrasis/Illads/People from dosa land!

And finally TyNI will ensure that the Illad enunciates every Haaart-stopping Hhhhellish Hhhiindi 'haaa' when conversating with hhhhim!

Mumbaikar Spirits

Ah! Mumbai, Amchi Mumbai! The city of dreams, of Bollywood, Marine drive, Juhu Chowpatty and Big B himself. A city you have to be in to be somebody. A city that never sleeps. Mumbaikar spirit! Bhel Puri and vada pav by the sea shore!'Mumbai is the place to be!You are soo lucky', they said to me when I told people that I was off to Mumbai for my internship.

Little do they know about the horrors and perversions that plague the place.

My day begins with a ride on the ghost trains of Mumbai.The Mumbai stations are filled with thousands of zombies. Hoards of people waiting in silence for the worm like monster to come and devour them. These trains seem to suck in everyone who stands within 2 feet of them. Some poor zombies want to be devoured so badly that they try and stuff themselves into the already bulging belly of the monster. This results in a few zombies being left on the edge of the entrance hanging by a finger nail. These hanger-zombies as I like to call them start a chant of 'Eh! Andar Chal na! Dhakkan! Andar Chal na' . I believe it to be a prayer to the worm monster to squeeze them in and accept their sacrifice.

The Hanger Zombies! Why don't they just jump off already?

Then these zombies begin to rearrange themselves and form queues inside the belly! This is quite remarkable seeing as there is no space to even turn without invariably squeezing someone's jewels, but the zombies manage it. Then begins a chant of 'Dadar?Dadar?' and several zombies make their way from the seats and aisles to the exit. Now , my friends, a word of caution. Never ever stand at the exit when this 'Dadar' chant begins and not get off. This seems to tick the zombies off. In my personal experience twenty of them began a chant of something that sounded very similar to 'Soothiya'. I like to keep things clean on this blog as you can see. If you would like to hear exactly what was said, I would gladly say it to you on request. Drop me a comment below and I'll let you have it. Now at this Dadar, the zombies are as eager to get off as they were to get in! This results in several zombies being flung off the worm monster while it is still moving. The poor hanger-zombies don't stand a chance and plead 'Dhakka mat de!Aargh!' but to no avail.

So finally I get off at my station and now I find hundreds of these zombies walking up the sloping walkway, all in silence, their heads swaying from side to side.The sun's rays fall upon me as I exit the station and I feel I've been lifted from this trance and saved only to find its time to say hello to another dreaded spirit of Mumbai.

The taxi-driver from hell....(TDFH)

The TDFH cajoles his beast

The taxi driver from hell is a forlorn figure. One usually finds these creatures dressed in white leaning against their black and yellow beasts. Make no mistake about it. They are evil! I step up to them and meekly mention my destination and I get a cold stare and a slight nod in response which apparently is the signal for me to get in. Never enter the taxi without appropriate change cause the man from hell will make sure you pay for it with your life! The TDFH then coaxes and cajoles his slumbering beast into motion by sticking a sharp object into a crevice. And then, we're off! The beast thunders past people and the TDFH abuses the same people all the while snickering and laughing. He too uses the chant 'Soothiya' quite a lot. But the TDFH has a lot more in his vocabulary as compared to the zombies in the train. Chants that sound very close to 'Mark a louder...' and 'bank a louder..' are thrown in quite often. I think he is actually shouting at himself for narrowly missing out on ramming into hapless pedestrians.

So finally, after paying the TDFH the exact change for releasing me and thanking the Lord that Im still alive,I reach my office, the dungeons of hell, where I am made to stare at a screen for hours on end while I keep tapping away randomly at some keys. This slow torture has made my brain rot.At the end of what seems an eternity I am released from my prison only to make my way back to the station to catch the worm monster again and go to the station closest to home- Sion.

Now at Sion, I catch one of these red devils. This contraption has the word 'BEST' embossed on it but I think they forgot to include an 'a' because this contraption is surely a beast. The ones' who control this thing are mighty powerful and are the Basura Driver and his sidekick the Mad Con-doctor. I get in the red beast and ask the Con-doctor for a ticket to the next stop but alas, I produce a Rs.10 note instead of the Rs.4 required in coins. The Con-doctor is mad now. He yells out an incantation in a hoarse voice 'Chutta deee naa! Kaha se aate hai yeh log' and reaches out into his box of sorcery. The B-asura Driver meanwhile is struggling to keep the red beast under control and both me and the Condoctor are being thrown about. In this mad struggle, he pulls out a piece of paper and pokes it with a stapler. He is still angry at me. He reaches into another bag, and starts searching for something inside.This bag sounds like its full of metals and it begins to jingle. Any minute now, I feel, I am going to be either abused or physically hurt. However, he just gives me a stare and pulls out the Rs. 6 in change. The stare was one that conveyed 'You Soothiya, you got lucky this time' . I then beg the B-asura driver to let me off, all covered in sweat. He growls at me and gets the beast to stop.

The B-asura driver on a rampage!

The mad Con-doctor with his box of sorcery!

I get off,my ironed shirt crumpled, my polished shoes no longer shining,my hair a mess and I wonder how I am going to survive in this place. The city of dreams?? I am in a nightmare!!

The Bhagwadgita Blasphemy

I do not believe in God although I do believe in philosophies. But heeey! Whatever helps you sleep at night. I believe that everybody needs a strut, a divine support when things do not go their way cause 'Hope is a wonderful thing'(Yeah!That's right! I quoted Shawshank too). Some believe in God, others believe in philosophies. When the two come together it can wreak havoc as it happened in the Bhagavadgita. Devout followers of Lord Krishna, read no more. But if you do have the appetite for blasphemy, read on.

The Bhagwadgita is made up of 700 verses. SEVEN HUNDRED VERSES!! Let me put it into context. This is the battle of Kurukshetra, and the mighty warrior Arjuna is filled with doubt about murdering innocents on the battlefield. He looks to his charioteer Lord Krishna for advice in the middle of a raging battle with a gazillion arrows , several of them capable of spewing everything from acid to flames to water, whizzing past their heads. Now in this situation, I find it quite amazing how Lord Krishna managed to steer the chariot, while answering Arjuna's doubts in prose and that too in 700 verses. Here's how I think things actually panned out :

The battlefield of Kurukshetra, Arjuna about to head into battle
Arjuna: Isn't this mass murder?
Lord Krishna: Work done as a sacrifice for Vishnu has to be performed, otherwise work causes bondage in this material world. Therefore, O son of Kuntī, perform your prescribed duties for His satisfaction, and in that way you will always remain free from bondage.
Arjuna : Huh?
Lord Krishna: Just kill them, nothing will happen to you, karma and all that.
Arjuna: Cool, onward then
Lord Krishna : Fixed in yoga, do thy work, O Winner of wealth , abandoning attachment, with an even mind in success and failure, for evenness of mind is called yoga
Arrow whizzes past Arjuna's helmet
Arjuna: Jeeezus Chhhrist Krishna, that was a close one... watch where you're going!Take me over to Duryodhan! Im gonna let him have it! Mwahaha
Lord Krishna: From anger arises bewilderment, from bewilderment loss of memory; and from loss of memory, the destruction of intelligence and from the destruction of intelligence he perishes
Arjuna: You just went past him! We're a laughing riot now, Duryodhan's army is in splits! Hard right! NO! Right! Arrows coming in at 6 O'clock!Aieeeeaaa!
Lord Krishna: See, I told you, from anger rises bewilderment, from bewilderment...
Arjuna: God damn it Kris! We've got to focus!Over there! Karna's chariot seems to be stuck in the mud
Lord Krishna steers the chariot over to Karna
Karna:Whooooaa there! Look, show me some mercy mates! I've been cursed all my life, and now I find myself helpless with my chariot immobile!Spare a thought....
Lord Krishna: Kill him!
Arjuna: But, he's helpless
Lord Krishna: Do your duty dammit. There's no place for mercy on the battlefield.
Arjuna: You sure?I mean I could take him on once his chariot is fixed
Lord Krishna: You don't stand a chance
Arjuna : Whaa? Im Arjuna. Im one of the best archers out there.How dare you?!
Karna: Yeah! He's Arjuna, one of the best out there, let this be a fair fight.
Lord Krishna: Look, Im Lord Krishna, the LORD Krishna, I know how this ends for you both. So quit your whining and get a move on
Arjuna looks at Karna, shrugs, and takes his head off with an arrow
Arjuna:You think he's dead?
Lord Krishna: Of course he's dead. His head is no longer on his neck. Im pretty sure that means he's no longer with us
Arjuna: Ok!Where to now...
Lord Krishna: Let's go win this war!
Arjuna: So tell me more about this karma stuff. You saying that if I just do my duty everything's gonna be OK
Lord Krishna: You didn't do your doodie today?Well, I have an excellent laxative made from neem leaves and...
Arjuna:NOT DOODIE!!Duty....D U T Y.Oh , for God's sake
Lord Krishna: Don't you 'for sake' me....did you see what I did there, that was my little joke.
Arjuna: Sigh! This is gonna be one loooong war.
Lord Krishna: You bet! Say, did I tell you about the time I slayed this big ass snake as a kid. I was I think 5 at the time. I even did a dance on its head.No?Well, you see, this snake had poisoned the waters and....
Lord Krishna cracks the reins and off they go into the sunset, the chariot bouncing up and down and Arjuna holding on for dear life, praying for the war to come to an end

So that's how stuff really went down at the battle of Kurukshetra. Now, I know what you're thinking. He made fun of Lord Krishna. In my defense I think the Bhagwadgita is really amazing and I love its ideals about karma. The allegory about the charioteer and the warrior helps to aid in narrating the ideals and I have no problem with that too. I just think that the world needs to be a little more open minded and a little less rigid (especially with regards to me!) .